Love In the Time of Drought
by raynperdition
Summary: It's been so long since Ennis and Jack saw each other, so when Ennis gets a journal written for him, to him, from Jack...it's a bit of a curveball. What does Jack want from him? Why's he bringing all this old, not-at-all-forgotten history back up for? Why is he breaking Ennis' heart all over again?
1. God's Gonna Cut You Down

A/N: **Let me begin by saying that, yes, I am a horrible person for discontinuing Counting Stars. And the Supernova Trilogy. But, I couldn't dredge up an ounce of inspiration for that story. So much happened in my life that I can't begin to speak of because, A: it's personal as fuck. And B: it's a long fucking story. However, I do hope to finish this, whatever it may come to be. I'm already working on several more chapters and hope to try to post new chapters once a week, as life allows.**

 **This story is just as personally relevant to me as Counting Stars was, for different reasons. Comments and kind criticism are encouraged.**

 **Disclaimer! I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS. They belong to the gorgeous, genius Annie Proulx. And the movie people. (I think they belong a bit to Heath Ledger and Jake Gylenhaal too, but, not my decision.) To 'The Man', please don't strike me down for having fun.**

 **To address something that came to my attention with Counting Stars...this is my story, despite the fact that I don't own these characters or a good part of the basis of this story and it's background. Do not, under any circumstances, post this on other sites, whether for money or for fun, without my permission. I've poured my heart and soul into these words, and I don't appreciate them being appropriated for another person's gain. I was told by a friend that Counting Stars had been posted on another website that I'd never even heard of. Not cool. Please, please don't take my work. I love it. It's my baby. And it's my hard work. Thank you.**

 **Enjoy!**

Ennis had loved Jack for half of his life. But then…it was over. Well, they weren't meeting up no more. They weren't lovin' each other once or twice a year no more. He hadn't seen Jack in years. It was for the best, he was sure…but he wasn't gonna fret over it. He couldn't, or he'd never climb outta that bottle sitting on his shelf. So, he worked, he saw Junior and Jenny every now and then when they could afford a little time in their busy lives for him. It was enough.

Work had been particularly hard that day, long and tough, and his boss wasn't warming up to that tall blond cowboy with time. Not that he'd thought the man might. He was all fire and brimstone, and looked on his weather-hardened ranch hand like one might look on shit on their shoes. So, he wasn't particularly in the right frame of mind to smile when he saw that package…from Childress, Texas.

Jack Fuckin' Twist. God damn that man.

He went inside, the slim package tucked under his arm, dropped it on the table, and went to wash the day's work off his calloused hands. The hell was Jack sending him now? The hell was he doin' intruding on his quiet life now that Ennis had finally convinced himself he didn't need the man no more? Fuckin' Twist.

Muttering swear words that woulda made his daddy blush under his breath, he tore the package open and blinked. The….The fuck?

 _"_ _Love Letters for the Man I Always Loved" By Jack Twist._

Huh?

He flipped open the pretty, worn, leather-bound journal and read the first of many yellowed, stained, ripped here and there, pages.

 _"_ _Dear Ennis, If you're reading this, there's two possibilities. Either I am dead and we lived together the life I had hoped…or we finally gave up. I started this journal back on Brokeback Mountain, herding sheep and…learnin' each other in a special way. Those days, you burrowed deep inside me in more ways than one, Ennis. You broke into my soul, my heart. You've filled my mind with dreams and want. And, since you're such a dipshit, I wasn't able to tell you all these words to your face. But I wanted to tell you…someday, some way. And this was the only way I could find where you'd let me say my peace. So, here we go._

 _Love, Jack Twist."_

* * *

Ennis had a beer, his stained old recliner, the TV on low, and the elephant in the room sitting heavily on his lap. A god damn journal. That blue-eyed man of his and his words. Well, he wasn't his man no more, and Ennis wasn't sure he ever had been. But, those thoughts were just him not wanting to crack open that book again. Every time he looked at it, his stupid, patched up heart started beating too fast again.

Fuck. He was all wrought up over that dumbass all over again. No lie, god _damn_ Jack Twist. If he ever saw that beautiful bastard again, he was gonna wring his skinny neck. His neck that Ennis had lined with his mark more than once.

He shook his head and took a swig of his Bud again. Time to face the music, Jack had a right to his say after all this time.

 _"_ _August 1963._

 _Me and Ennis have actually been getting on pretty good. He talks more, instead of just grunting at me whenever I ask a question. Although, I gotta say, I was starting to interpret those grunts pretty well. Now that I know the man has some words in him, I've been trying to get him to talk every now and then. Sometimes he even sings. For such a quiet fucker, he's got a real nice voice. He'll sing hymns and songs he heard his momma sing, or picked up over the years. A lot of them are old campfire songs you'd hear any old cowboy sing in the quiet of the night. But, I'm beginning to think he's not just any old cowboy…_

 _I guess it ain't no surprise that I've been lookin' on him more than I should. He's a nice tall drink of water, ya know? I knew that the second I saw him standing outside Aguirre's office. Blond and skinny, with the softest brown eyes I ever seen. Not that he shows them off too often. He's as shy with them pretty eyes as he is with his words._

 _Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I…I think he's been lookin' on me differently too. I keep catching him watching me, but maybe he just thinks I'm funny lookin'. Or maybe that's just his damn negativity rubbing off on me. Mmm, rubbing off…"_

Ennis couldn't help the snort of near laughter at that. Jack's mind was a damn insane asylum. But…he remembered those early days, that long-but-too-damn-short summer he spent with that crazy boy in the cold, beautiful mountains. They'd both done a lot of staring, a lot of furtive glances stolen as swiftly as they could be, but just looks had never quenched that curiosity in their young, hot blood. Ennis had nearly worn his dick off that summer. Him and his hand had never been so well-acquainted as they were that first month.

He'd never imagined how hard it must've been for Jack, waiting on him to get a fuckin' clue. Jack, who knew who he was, and accepted it. Waiting on his stupid ass to get the hint of what them blue eyes were trying to get across. He couldn't help but smile, just slightly, at the memory of the fire dancing in Jack's blue eyes, a smile lighting up that young, mischievous face, hair askew as he ran his hand through it. The flash of white teeth when he grumbled something that made Jack laugh. The sound of his voice calling out a farewell as he got on his horse and went up to watch over the sheep. His stomach jumped, and his chest ached for what could've been…and for what had been, once upon a time.

It'd been almost twenty years since that summer…so why was Jack dredging all this up again? They'd quit each other, hadn't they? What the fuck did Jack want to do to him?

He dropped the journal to the floor with a dull thud, drained his beer, and dropped his head back against the back of his old chair, and stared at the water spot on his ceiling. Slowly, he shook his head and closed his eyes.

Jack Fuckin' Twist.


	2. Like A River

A/N: **Oh wow. I know I promised this chapter forever ago, but me and the site were having some disagreements. However! Here it is, and I hope it makes up for the wait. It was a bitch getting it up, tho. Ugh.**

 **Anyways! I should have chapter three up soon! And I've also started on chapter four, so the wait on that shouldn't be horrible either. Thank you for your patience!**

 **The song for this chapter is River by Bishop Briggs. I'm trying to slowly but surely lengthen these chapters. They aren't my usual length, but to be fair, Ennis is a man of few words- unlike all the other characters I seemed to gravitate towards in the old days (i.e. Tony Stark's gunshot paragraphs that used to be such a joy in my life).**

 **I hope I'm doing these characters that I do not own some justice. Nope, they are not my creations. Ennis and Jack and everyone else belongs to Annie Proulx and the company who made the movie- things I don't know.**

 **Enjoy~**

* * *

Ennis dreamed of Brokeback. It'd happened once or twice before, but never so vividly. It was like nineteen year old Jack Twist was standing right there in front of him, grinning like a fool and trying to make him laugh or smile or even twitch. But...it was like he was outside his body, watching as he resisted every advance, every tease and taunt, every plea in those big blue eyes. For some reason, he'd always wished he'd never met Jack. Like it might make his life easier somehow. But...deep down in his heart of hearts, he knew that wasn't true. So, he screamed at dream-Ennis, voice going hoarse as he begged him to let Jack in, let him see that man hidden beneath the coldness and bitterness and unhinged fury. He screamed and screamed until he woke up, panting and sweating bullets, the cold air from the open window chilling him down to his bones.

This was life without Jack, he realized. Looking around his small home, he realized how very empty and hollow it was, he was. Although he'd never admitted it out loud, Jack was the life inside him. It's why things with the bar girl didn't work out, why he and Alma hadn't worked no matter how hard he tried. It's why, despite all his fears, he'd quit jobs and quit his family to meet Jack a few times a year. It wasn't the fucking, or the need for that feeling of a man on his skin...it was that Jack reached inside him and lit him up in a way no woman ever had or could. Jack held some control over him, let the man he could've been shine through. He wasn't _living_ without that crazy dumbass in his life.

Getting up with creaky, stiff joints and a sore back, he wandered in to take a piss. On the way back to his lumpy little mattress, he stubbed his toe on some stick of furniture, and cursed Jack Twist for turning him into this man who got up in the middle of the night, pining like a damn woman. Instead of heading back to his bed like a level-headed man who had to be up early in the next day, he flipped on the light and grabbed that journal he'd been avoiding. He was good at avoiding, but...he'd decided that Jack had a right to his say, and it wouldn't do him no good to ignore that nagging Jack-voice in his head.

 _"August 1963._

 _On a freezing cold night on Brokeback Mountain, Ennis Del Mar fucked the hell out of Jack Twist. There. I said it. Finally. Because ya know, Ennis would probably explode into a billion little pieces if I said it to him. The look he gave me this morning could've killed a weaker man. Fuckin' hell. What am I gonna do? The damn man hates my guts. It wasn't like a lured him into the tent with the purpose of seducing him! It just...happened. And it was so damn good. He's a god in the sack, even if he don't make no noise besides a few harsh grunts-"_

Ennis snapped the journal shut, cheeks bright red and cock hard. That first time hadn't been their best, but...fuck, it was hot reading about it from Jack's point of view. They'd both been so worked up, and waking up to his hand on Jack's hard cock...He shook his head. And reopened the journal. He was forty years old, he could control himself better than this, even if it was just to be that one extra fuck-you to Jack Twist for making him relive this.

 _"Can you tell I'm all over the place? Pfft. Who am I talking to? Myself? Has that idiot cowboy finally twisted me all up into a crazy man who talks to himself through written word? Shit. It ain't like he's ever gonna speak to me again, or look at me, or come within fifteen feet of me. But...there's more to him than I first thought. There's some dreams under all that fear. There's a hard-working man with a gentle way with horses. He could probably gentle that damn filly I've been riding in fifteen minutes. There's pride and a desire to do better than sitting up here with a bunch of woolies and my stupid ass. And I don't just want to get fucked by that man. I want more, god damn it!_

 _Christ Almighty, Ennis. What am I gonna do if you don't never speak to me again? Curiosity killed the cat, ya know. And I ain't aiming to go out like some fuckin' kitten. I'll fix this. I can do it. My momma always said I could charm the last dollar out of a homeless man, and I'll charm you back into liking me. Jack Twist don't give up so easily, boy."_

Jack Twist hadn't given up...for another two decades. And knowing that man was giving up on him, that was far worse than his divorce had been. There was so much history between them, so much bitterness he could taste it even now, heavy like blood on his tongue. The way he'd broken down over Jack Twist...the way he'd cried over that man. And he'd given up on them. Or maybe they both had. He'd gotten lazy about his man, stopped giving him what he needed. But it weren't all his fault. Jack had gone to Mexico, not him. Jack had given up on them before he had. Jack had given away what he'd believed was his alone.

He sighed, sitting on his bed with the well-worn little journal in his hands, head bowed. What the fuck did Jack want from him? Was this just him getting in the last word? Was he supposed to believe Jack was giving him a second chance by pouring out his damn soul like this? Love letters, his ass. This was a drought in love, and he didn't see no rain in sight. His heart couldn't take no more of this, of wanting what he couldn't have. Jack Twist was an addiction, and it was time loving him was a habit to kick.

* * *

Jack Twist was nothing if not stubborn. More stubborn than stupid cowboys from Wyoming and pretty barrel racers from Texas. And that journal he'd written for Ennis for twenty god damn years, well, that was just the proof of it. He wasn't sure what in the ever loving hell had possessed him to write it. He wasn't sure why he'd started writing about Ennis up there in that lonely mountain. All he knew was that he'd seen something in that man that screamed to him, pulled his heart right out of his chest and melded it with Ennis Del Mar's dark, lonely heart. Those big brown doe eyes and that tiny, repressed smile seduced him before he could put a stop to it. Some things you just didn't have no control over.

And he certainly didn't have any control over Ennis. But that wouldn't stop him. Ennis had been a balm for his soul, a dream and a nightmare, an addiction he'd never figured out how to quit. That man drove him up the fuckin' wall, but he'd never really been able to give up on him. Which was why he'd sent that journal, why he'd told him at the very end to meet him up on Brokeback. It'd seemed poetic, to start again where it had all began. It was a second chance at this thing between them, even if Ennis had told him it was a oneshot thing. It had never been just once, it'd been once more, just one more time with the man I love before I go back to the sheep, or the woman I married, or the kids I refuse to leave behind. It'd been them putting the pause on life for a few days every year to heal that pain boiling inside them. It'd been something to soothe that ache they refused to name, out of fear, or confusion, or just plain ignorance. That saying, ignorance is bliss? No shit.

He'd needed Ennis to hear his side of the story, their story. He'd needed him to see his dreams as well as his fear as well as his courage as well as his cowardice. He'd needed Ennis to shut up and listen to him, just this once. For how little that man spoke, he could say a lot with a look that only lasted a few seconds. More than once, he'd shut Jack up with those damn brown eyes. But this...all he'd written in that journal had to be said before they could officially divorce each other.

Ennis hadn't never known true love, not from his momma and daddy, his big brother and sister, his wife...maybe his kids, but even they took their old, soft as the summer breeze daddy for granted. He could see it in how Ennis spoke on himself, ain't no one ever loved him like Jack could, and would, if he'd give him this one last chance. This hail-mary he was asking for. And Jack knew, in his heart of hearts, Ennis wanted it too.

So he'd done it. He'd sent the journal, and prayed to a god he wasn't sure he believed in, that just maybe Ennis wouldn't throw it in the trash. Maybe he'd read it, and listen to what he was saying...and give them the chance they deserved. Anything was possible, right?

* * *

 _"November 1963._

 _Some nights, it's so lonely without you, Ennis. (When the hell I started writing this to you, I don't even fuckin' know). I swear sometimes my chest hurts for wanting you by my side. You got me so torn up, boy, I can't even see straight. Driving away from you up in Signal, that was the damned hardest thing I've ever done. Ain't nothin' right when you're so god damn far away. Probably married to your gal, now, ain't even thinking on me. That hurts, Ennis. It hurts something fierce._

 _I thought I could do it, ya know. Thought I could get that stubborn cowboy to run away with me. Silly, I know. But, you made me silly on love. Yeah, love. I said it. And maybe it's all the whiskey I been drinking tonight, but I swear I mean it. I love you, Ennis Del Mar. You fuckin' asshole cowboy. You're the air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, the light in the dark. You're all that keeps me going sometimes, and you ain't even here._

 _I keep hoping that I'll wake up, and you'll be here in this stupid truck with me, sleeping by my side, just as drunk as I am, holding my hand here in the dark. You never did that up on Brokeback, too sure you weren't queer. I think we were both liars, sayin' that. I know I was, and you sure seem like a liar to me, too. I'm gonna find you one day, boy, and make an honest man out of you. One day, Del Mar._

 _Fuck, I'm in love with a dumbass cowboy."_


End file.
